Am I Crazy?!?

Shocking, I know! Two blogs in one month! I am sure that there are a MILLION things that need to be done, like the dishes and laundry, but there have been a few things on my mind lately! It might all be for me, but for some reason I just need to write this... maybe it will help someone else along the way.

Ok-- so back to the original question...."Am I Crazy?" YEP! I am afraid so! I am crazy! What is bringing about this sudden discussion of "craziness"? Well, I was recently asked to recall the beginning of my adoption journey and why I chose to do this.... and I actually wrote on this blog "This is the craziest thing I have ever done!" And, well, YES, YES IT IS!I mean honestly, who CHOOSES to be a single parent?!? Ok so, I'll get back to the "crazy" stuff in a few minutes!

My life is a daily journey in craziness and has been for 3 years now, ever since I started this journey! And, as I have come to realize in the last few months I can not expect people to understand why I chose to do what I did! In all reality, God has been all over my journey, from start to this very day! Who am I to question why He asked me to walk this journy with Him? My only desire is that HE be glorified for what HE has done!

Now with that being said, I am so incredibly humbled by HIS work in my life! I almost think that people who think that those who adopt are perfect or at least think that the adoptive parents think they are perfect.... maybe I am wrong here, but this is my experience in the judgementalness of others. The truth is ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE NO MORE PERFECT THAN THOSE WHO GIVE BIRTH TO THEIR CHILDREN! Oh my! Really?!? In fact the last five months have been a daily lesson in how IMPERFECT I really am! I make mistakes eveyday and not just in parenting! I am learning (very quickly!) that not only am I managing my own life, but that now I have someone else's life to manage as well! And, let me just give a little picture of that:
My Precious Peruvian needs lots of help in areas to get her caught up, I am not ashamed to say that! I am so thankful to God for the people who are helping her to get there! But, this translates to speech therapy 2X's a week, occupational therapy once a week, physical therapy on a monthly basis and music therapy once a week. (And, yep.... while I do have lots of help, I have to oversee and manage all of that!)This summer was spent doing speech and music therapy and battling with the insurance companies of her need of coverage for speech therapy. Here is another picture: Little Bit doesn't know how to tell me yet what hurts or that she doesn't feel good or that she needs a drink of water (we are working on this, and thanks be to God she is learning!) so, when she came down with a fever (all of a sudden) of 103.4... this Mamá got REALLY concerned! In the five months that I have had her this was the first time that she had run a fever, much less one like that! So, being the reasonable person that I am (and with the help of other Mommies!) I waited and took her to the pediatrician the next day. Well, what for most kids is just a throat swab, for mine (because there is VERY LITTLE medical histoy) is a series of about 4 tests and a 2 hour wait at the pediatrician's office. And, it continues... everything is a new expereince for her! So not only was this new to Mamá, it is new to her to have to depend on this new person and all these strangers (Dr's, nurses, etc) to make her feel better!

So now, Mamá is thinking.... ok, what could I do differntly? How can I keep her form getting sick. Feeling guilty for fussing at her for being fussy, (for what I thought was no reason b/c she had been just fine 30 minutes before!). Trying to figure out the whole single Mom thing... like, how do I tell work that I have to be out again this week b/c she has a fever virus. (Yeah, didn't know what those were until I became a Mom!) And, not knowing how long I would have to be out of work this week! Mamá is learning that the most important thing in her life is this Precious and beautiful little one who needs her an aweful lot! But, she feels bad that she can't do everything that she is supposed to do.... even down to washing the dishes!

So, Am I Crazy? Well, YES! and NO! Do I feel crazy somedays? YES! Does life feel crazy everyday? YES! Does life sometimes feel out of control? YES! Am I crazy for having taken this journey and brought this beautiful, amazing little girl into my home to give her what little I have monitarily, yet to give her ALL of the love I have in my heart? NOOOOOOOO!!! I AM NOT CRAZY! Is this crazy hard sometimes? YES! Do I wonder how in the world I will manage everything somedays? YES! Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY YES! Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY YES!

The journey doesn't end when you come home and cross over into the US! In fact,that is only the beginning of a new journey! I have compared my journey to that of the Israelites to the Promised Land. I have reached the Promised Land, and it is BEAUTIFUL! But, just as there were giants in the Israelite's Promised Land, there are giants in my Promised Land too! I knew they would be there. You don't always know where a giant is lurking, but they are there and just as I knew they would, they have waged battle sometimes! The good news is this: "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13) Do I say all of this for sympathy or for someone to feel sorry for me? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I chose to be obedient to God and walk this journey with Him, and just because I chose to do that, doesn't necessarily mean that I won't have any hardships or that this journey won't sometimes be really challenging! I am not exepmt just b/c I chose to bring one of God's precious children into a home! It isn't (as a quote used by my SS teacher this morning) "my great faith, but my faith (and it is almost always really small!) in a GREAT God! God is good ALL the time, even when I don't understand or know! Sometimes, well actually A LOT.... I just need grace and a prayer!

So, back to "Am I Crazy?" again. YES! Everyday, I mess something up either at home or work or with my extended family and my friends! I forget to send e-mails, to mail my bills (sometimes!), to return phone calls, to grade a paper, to write a lesson plan, to water my plants, to take the garbage to the road, to do something I have promised.... so YES, I FEEL crazy most of the time. But the truth is that I AM CRAZY for a Precious, Beautiful Gift from God, who requires ALL of my time some days! And, I AM CRAZY for the Loving, Amazing, and GRACEFULL (not a typo) God who brought me here to this point in my journey! So, when I don't do something that needs to be done or say something that needs to be said or live up to the expectations that others have for me.... you can just say.... "Ahh! She's just CRAZY!" because, this CRAZY Mamá is only thinking of two things: her CRAZY love for one of God's own, and her CRAZY love for her Provider of all things, including Sanity!
Striving to Make His Glory Known!

PS My Precious Peruvian is fine! She had a 24 hour virus and that was all! Thanks and Glory be to God! -- Sorry, no pics on this one, will post again soon!